I was driving in this morning on yet another beautiful summer morning in this place I love. Vancouver is a city of rolling hills and as I drive I am at times at high levels. Stretched out before me are the lush green rolling hills of the lower mainland. We are blessed to have this abundance of green space and that it is valued as well.
I did not sleep well last night. Very strange dreams. Friends it seemed were coming into these dreams and I could feel their pain and distress and I didn’t know how to make it better and when I tried I was rejected, oddly enough. And I found myself waking several times during the course of the night. Consequently when the alarm went off at the time I usually get up and head for the gym, I opted for the extra half hour of sleep. Its okay, I am running tonight.
I am still getting used to this idea of being on my own once again. I talked with my daughter just before going to bed last night and she is really struggling with it as well. I don’t think either of us thought it would be this difficult. So it has certainly caught both of us off guard to some degree. But I know in time we will embrace the space that has been afforded to us and we will continue to grow. How do you make a home, a home?
I was humbled last night when my daughter told me how much she missed me and that she feels she didn’t appreciate me fully. I smiled at this. I certainly never felt under appreciated. She went on to tell me that despite my somewhat weird and at times crazy behaviour I was one of the nicest and most genuine people she knew and that she considered me her closest friend. To this I teared up.
On the day she was born I made a promise to her that I would try to someday be a woman she could look up to and be proud of. At the time of her birth, to say that I was not prepared to be a parent is something of an understatement considering I hadn’t figured out how to just be a woman. To me she was a gift and I have always viewed her as such. She has had to endure my growing pains…and trust me they were not easy for one so young to have to put up with.
So yes, I am humbled by her beautiful spirit and amazing grace. That I have been fortunate enough to share in this life with her, and I value this to the highest degree.
We will get over this initial separation anxiety and we will both become stronger and I believe our relationship will become that much better as well. I made a comment yesterday about not knowing how to fly. I think it is something she and I both need to take up because once we take flight, man, what a beautiful thing that will be. And the potential is there, before me. I see it…just have to figure out how to get it off the ground.
Tides rise and fall. The gentle ebb and flow of life in general. Sometimes those tides drag us down, then with a surge we are pushed back to the surface. There are lessons in there somewhere. For me, I think I am a bit of slow learner…and I say this with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek…’cause God knows, I could likely write a book on ‘How to Make the Same Mistake in 1,001 Different Ways’.
And I think about all the people who have touched my life, and I theirs. For many years I felt like a ghost that just moved about this earthly plane largely invisible, inconsequential, irrelevant. I hope that those lives I do touch now are felt and appreciated because that is what I want to give back for all that has been affored to me.
And I have been blessed in so many ways. So off to work I go, enjoying the rolling green hills , the scent of the ocean, the power of the river and the majesty of the deep blue sky. Yes, I am a very lucky girl.
Have a great day.