It has been an interesting weekend. My daughter moved out on the 1st of August. While I felt I was ready for this, the impact of it surprised me. We are quite close and have shared this space I call home for all 29 of her years. We certainly had our own lives, and we wouldn’t see each all that much. I knew there would be a transition period. There always is with these things. So last Wednesday when I got home and walked into her room it was just this empty space and I just had to get out the house. It hit me then the finality of it.
I found myself now in this space that no longer was shared by two people. It was just me and oddly there was quite a void left by her absence. Over the next few days I found it really difficult to stay home alone. I knew this was purely emotional and that it would pass.
I have been trying to do the dating thing. Not something I am particularly knowledgeable about but I am trying. I have never had a lasting relationship with a man and I suppose when I was younger and my daughter was small I figured that I would meet someone. I had more demons than you might imagine, however, holding me back. Over the past couple of years I have truly been challenging and defeating those demons. This is yet another demon from my past…the fear of being alone…the fear of being forgotten…the fear that I don’t matter.
That is what hit me on Wednesday. I went through the motions over the next few days, but found it impossible to stay in my home at night. So with notebook in hand I would head down to the local pub, restaurant or lounge and pour out some of what I was feeling onto the pages and work on the editing aspect of the book and knock back a few pints.
I went over on Sunday to my daughter’s home. She is really struggling with this too. Her place is really shaping up and once she starts to add those little personal touches of her own it will start to feel like home to her. Once I got home I got to thinking how I needed to start to claim the space that she had vacated. I had my desk down in storage so with the decision made I managed to pull the thing out of storage and put it together. I moved my computer and everything over into her old room and began putting together my new office. I uncluttered my room which had been an office and bedroom and storage.
Yesterday came the massive cleanup. I just wanted everything to be fresh. At the end of it the void wasn’t quite so big. The space not quite so lonely.
She came over for dinner last night. Yes, it is going to be tough the first few months and we both acknowledge this. But our relationship will continue to grow and expand and I know in my heart that she will be just fine. And I will get through this as well
I have been very introspective as of late. Really looking at myself and how I default when I am progressing along a certain path. I made a commitment to myself last night as well. Time to be fully accountable for everything in my life. Yes, I have had old behaviours rear up but I am working through them. I have a vision of where I want to go and the person I see myself as and I am going to really focus on this now.
I am tired of allowing myself to get ‘stuck’ in an emotional rut and begin the cycle of self-sabbotage yet again. I really need to move past this. I know my capabilities. God, I am sometimes blown away at how far I have come….so time to just move forward. And while I know the past will likely continue to try to hold on….I just need to let it go. It is time to take all the big thoughts and make them a reality. It is time to embrace this life like never before. It’s time to grow up.
Have a great day everyone! Thanks for stopping by.