Shopping…A Comedy of Sorts


I am not one who likes to go shopping all the time.  It can be a lesson in frustration.  It can make you feel rather despondent by the end of it at times as well.  First thing we all need to know is what will look best on your specific body type.  For example, I cannot wear frilly things.  Such things would make me look like the dolled up Hippo in Fantasia.  Not quite the look I am going for.  What I despise though is when I find that dress that is absolutely perfect and I know it will look good…but they don’t quite have my size.

And what do you think I do?  I convince myself that I should at least try it.  You just never know…I may shrink as I am walking into the fitting room.  Not bloody likely, but we can all have our disillusionment, yes?  Usually for me the boobs are the deal breaker.  The girls have a way of just getting in the way.  They are little annoying at times.

So I get into the change room…I am convinced that this will work.  I have my hands straight up expecting the dress to just slip right on.  I try to tug it awkwardly and then we are stuck.  I have my arms straight up, the waist of the dress is wrapped snugly around my boobs.  No, the material isn’t going to slide beautifully over me and here is the thing.  I can’t get it off.  I stand for a moment and berate myself for even attempting such a foolish thing.  I have done this in the past and I know the outcome.

Just then I hear the sales girl approach.  “How is everything?  Can I get you another size?”  I have a bit of a panic attack.  “No, no…I am fine.  Thanks.” I say in a muffled response.

And then I start to sweat.  This is not good because now the fabric is melting into my skin.  Aye!

The last thing I want is to open the door and get the girl to pull the dress off my 1/2 naked body.  So I begin the backward wiggle and start trying to grab fabric in my hands and inch it up.  For the next ten minutes I do this.  The girl has come by yet again and I have said politely yet again that I am fine.  I have visions of being like this forever…that the store will be closing and I will have the entire staff waiting for me to come out of the dressing room.

Finally I have success and the dress comes free.  I look in the mirror and my hair now rivals the Bride of Frankenstein.  I spend the next few minutes trying to fix myself up a bit and then I open the door very quietly and peek out.  I don’t want the girl to see me.  I slip from the room, hang the dress up on the rack then sprint outta there right into her waiting arms.

She smiles gaily at me.  “Are you going to take the dress?”  She inquires.

“No, I will just keep looking, but thanks.”  I then slink silently away.

I have had sales people who actually have brought me the whole store while I was trying something on as well.  These are the sales people from hell.  They keep tossing clothes over the door at you and they keep insisting that you show them the outfit.  No…I won’t show you the outfit.

Last time that happened in a Guess store and I started off trying on a shirt and had about 14 outfits tossed over the door at me. One was a pair of jeans that were a size 8.  She was certain they would fit.  No.  I have not been a size 8 since I was about 12 years of age.  The perfect size for me would likely be a 10.  Now I get that she was just doing her job but that is just scary. I did manage to slink out of the store unseen that time.  She was actively terrorizing yet another potential customer so I just booked it.

What is funny too, is that every time I walk past that store now, I peek in and if I see her…I pick up the pace.  That was months ago that this happened but I have rather unsubstantiated fear that she will see me, recognize me and toss me back into the dressing room and make me try everything on and then wont’ let me leave until I buy half of it.

So I don’t shop too often and prefer to go to a store where I can just do my thing.  I don’t mind if the sales rep asks if they can assist.  I don’t mind at all.  The majority of the time they just let me do my thing.

And I will head off now and just do my thing.  Have great day everyone.

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