Reflections. I got to the gym this morning and Pandora and I had our usual exchange of pleasantries. I told her about the race and my arm. She commented on how when the weather turns people’s joints and old pains can sometimes come to the surface as today in Vancouver it is dark, gloomy and raining. I laughed and said that when my shoulder began bothering me it was still quite beautiful out. Then I told that perhaps I just have a psychic shoulder. We chuckled over this then I went on my merry little way to get my sweat on.
I am steering clear of the weights this week and will just focus on cardio and core as the shoulder is still not completely healed at this point. While on the stationary bike I got to thinking about this blog in fact. My initial goal had been to chronicle my progress over a 12 week period to optimum health. At the end of this period I said that this is a lifetime commitment, that you cannot just say ‘I will do this for 12 weeks then go back to how I used to live my life.’
So as I sat there pedaling I started to take stock of where I am at in terms of my overall health…my overall life.
Still need to lose 30lbs. This has been an interesting challenge as I still self-sabbotage. I really need to focus on the emotional component of why I still do this. I have had a few things come to light and am addressing them.
Still need to modify a few behaviour patterns. Over this last year I have been focusing on becoming whole and complete and while I have all the parts of self connected now, at times I don’t think I quite know how to behave with all of them intact. That aspect is still rather foreign to me. (I do hope this makes some sense.)
Still need to find a lover. Yes, I have been doing the online dating thing and I suppose it is a lesson in patience and perseverance but I actually do feel quite comfortable as a woman these days…now just need to find the guy.
So the things I have accomplished since starting this blog…
I have just completed my 3rd race of the year. Running has become incredibly important in my life and will remain so.
I have just completed my book and hope to have it ready for publication in the fall. This has been an emotionally charged write for me. During the course of this process I have had so many issues come up that required my attention and at times I just felt so overwhelmed by this that I tended to push things back rather than deal. I am improving on this and now try to address each issue as they arise.
I have gotten into meditation and have found it extremely beneficial in keeping me grounded.
I have discovered a beauty inside of me that I would love to be able to experience and see everyday, however, not quite there yet. Still it is really good to know that essence exists within my soul.
I am doing well for the most part. This two steps forward and one step back pattern is at least consistent if nothing else. I wonder though why it is so hard to change. I suppose since I was hardwired to think in a certain manner from childhood that having to re-write all the programming in the grey matter in my middle years certainly presents some interesting challenges. I guess the funny thing is when I have repressed emotions that belong to a 20 something self and they have been emerging over this last year and don’t quite mesh very well with the 50 something self…not that they were necessarily conducive to the well being of the 20 something to begin with.
Are you still with me?
I have tendency to be a bit long-winded at times, yes?
The other subject that popped into my head this morning was a conversation that I had with a gentleman at our writer’s meeting last Friday evening. He was new to the group and has only been back in Vancouver for a few weeks. He was a professional military man throughout his life and now he writes what he calls factual fiction in that he uses personal experiences then fictionalizes them.
We got into a bit of debate about conspiracy theories. He became quite animated talking about the political aspect of some of the wars he has been involved with and what he has seen. No doubt he has witnessed humanity at its worst. My question was simply why do we do this to each other? I really don’t understand it. His response was for the power. I shook my head and said ‘No, that is not power.’ He disagree and became further animated in presenting his point. At the end I just smiled at him and said, ‘It’s not power…it’s control that they seek and they are gaining this control in a manner that displays total cowardice.”
Power is such a misunderstood concept. It really is. These wars that are fought, the players that manifest them might think they have power but they don’t. They currently may have control but they have gained it in manner that is threatening and using techniques that inspire fear. They are cowards. Nothing more.
At the end of it I simply told him that I was a bit of an idealist in that I truly believed we all want the same things. He disagreed and that’s fine. Leave me to my basic hope that someday we will all get along. I suppose if I had lived a life watching humanity become increasingly efficient in killing then I might be a bit jaded as well.
But I wish him well. I hope the nightmares he likely has will come to pass. I hope the scars that he bears will heal.
For me I need to continue trying to be a better individual. To be more loving by nature, to be more caring, to be more open. That starts within and is projected out.
So back to the lab for this girl to re-write some of my programming.
Thanks for checking in. Have a good one!