Limitations, oh those earthly boundaries that dictate to us the things we need or don’t. There is a limitation on how far you can carry on with very little sleep and these days it is coming rather sparingly to me. After last night’s little coast through the sleep realm I think I will have to try meditating before I go to bed. Perhaps that will give me a chance to quiet the chaos that has invaded and been firing my neurons for the past month. I would not say that I am necessarily tired at the moment, but it will hit me later. I really don’t like it when my energy just drains from me.
What to do? The other options will be to research teas and foods that might cause that lethargic and somewhat drowsy feeling. There are several relaxation methods out there. I just have to incorporate the one that will work at this time.
Typically I sleep very well. It has been several years since I have had an issue so first I have to look at why I find I cannot slip into sleep as I did a month ago. What’s changed? I think that I have been experiencing some anxiety. I am almost finished the first draft of the book and a part of me is feeling quite nervous about the publication of it. It is a very raw telling of a life that was bound in pain and fear. It looks at a young woman existing in a very dark frame of mind and the reasons for that. It is a book about my own experience.
It has been an exhaustive and emotional telling really. I will be really glad when it is done. I have been purging my emotions onto these pages and at times I am surprised by what ends up in the written form. Allowing myself to revisit these times and explore what I felt all those years ago has been very therapeutic for me but it has at times been very draining as well.
We keep our emotions locked up tight sometimes. Never do we let them see the light of day. Particularly when they are of the more volatile emotions such as fear and anger. For much of this past year I have been revisiting and releasing all those pent up grievances and giving them voice on a sheet of paper. No longer do I personally want to house these issues.
It is hard to come to terms with why parents can be so cruel. It is hard to come to terms with why we hurt ourselves the way we do and why we accept someones perceived failings as our own. I am always fascinated by the goings on in the grey matter. It is so subjective and its amazing to me what we can convince it of, what we can hide in there, what we can grow.
At one time I put a lot more limitations on myself, in fact I would say that I was bound by them. Now I am trying to just give over to the ones that require me to sleep, eat, and breathe. Just the common variety limits.
I will get past this little bout with insomnia. There has been so much that has been rising to the surface and now being dispensed with, that at times it is rather hard to keep up. As I deal with each issue, each feeling, each memory that surfaces the limitations become less and less. Now the possibilities before me are seemingly limitless.
Still I guess the idea of publishing this journey is now becoming very real where it was once just a thought. Perhaps that will be what finally releases me from the past and allows me to become the free spirit I have always longed to be.
That would be the best gift I could garner from this telling.
Have a beautiful day everyone!