I have been in a rather contemplative mood this morning. An interesting thing occurred yesterday on my Facebook page where they ask the question “What’s on your mind?“, I simple wrote ‘Why?’
A woman that I know commented “Are you okay, Nancy?”
It never really occurred to me that this could be viewed as me being in a bit of a funk, but then when I really thought about it, I saw a certain correlation. I assured her that I was fine, just being a bit silly really. It would take a month of Sundays and then some to actually answer the question “What’s on your mind?” And what a scattered mess that would be.
Then I got to thinking this morning on the drive in about the hurt we cause each other. Again the question arose as to why we do this. I know that when we are in pain and hurting it is easy to transfer this to those we love, and to those around us.
Echos from the past get in the way all the time. A word, a look and it triggers something hauntingly painful and our first reaction is usually a defensive one. Misunderstandings and miscommunications occur all the time. I know for myself, I have spent the majority of my life in a reactive state. In the past few years I have really challenged this mindset and while I still have some work to do, I can say with all honesty, I am in a much better space now in terms of how I view myself and the world around me.
I am someone who, quite frankly, was very much afraid of emotional commitment. While I desperately wanted to experience and know what is to love and be loved, I would only allow myself to go so far and as soon as things got remotely confrontational I was out of there faster than a bolt of lightening. I understand my reactive state now and why I was like that. I have been on an exceptional healing journey as of late. And I do hope that I will be fortunate enough to have love find its way to me once more. This time there will be no fear. This time there will be no echoes dictating my responses. I will experience love to its fullest.
I had to look deep inside self to really and truly understand what it is to love and it starts with me. In my youth when I was hurt I either cowered completely or came at it with complete rage. It was how I had been raised to see myself. As I got older I found a ‘safe zone’. That was the place where no emotional commitment was made. I just skirted along on the sidelines of life never really feeling I was worthy anyway.
Then I had a moment not so long ago where I actually looked at myself with out the doubt and self-recrimination. I saw myself without the echoes coming up to haunt me. And I was surprised at the beauty that I saw there. I was humbled and blessed by it.
I don’t want to hurt anymore. I will be kind to self and respect self. I know the abundance of love in my heart that I do offer and always have to friends and family, I accept for myself now as well.
I hope we won’t always be so filled with hurt and pain. I hope we can all move past it and embrace the moment that we have right now because that is all we have really. Break the chain and live in your heart.
Blessings to all of you. Have a great day.