I have literally been motoring through my life this past year and half. I got on this kick of wanting to feel whole and complete and just went at it with wild abandon. I think its time I came up for air.
This week a few things really came front and centre. For one of the first times in my life…I really saw myself.
How to explain this.
I have always seen myself with a list of things that I would like to change, have changed, or been in the process of changing. I have looked at myself with my wish list in hand. If I just looked like this, if I just had that, if I just felt like this. I have looked at self with loathing and utter contempt. I have, quite frankly, been at times very unkind to self.
You start to get the idea. I have never just looked at and accepted myself at any one moment without the white noise in the background reminding me of my imperfections and liabilities.
So the quest, which I started over a year ago was to really address my intimacy issues and my fear of them. And they ran very deep. I really had no idea how this would branch off into what has seemed at times like a thousand different directions all with one destination in mind.
I took a rather unorthodox approach in seeking assistance in that I found a sexual healer and began working with him. James has been the pillar that I needed to work through all of this. He has provided constant and consistent support beyond direction. Now this may sound confusing but by ‘direction’ how I define this is that at no time did he tell me in order to get to a place of full acceptance of self, that this was how I needed to do it. I am really struggling trying to convey the lessons learned the words that are appropriate to convey this message are not coming at the moment. The journey is personal…the direction is of my own choosing…the path is mine to explore, as it is for all of us. We make choices.
Every time I walked back in for another session I was looking for what, I don’t know…accolades?…acceptance?….affirmation?….praise?
But it was always from an outside source that I looked for this.
We would have a session and I would go back out into the world and step back into the boxing ring with self and I would go 12 rounds and it would still be a draw.
Eventually those little battles with self…well, the good side always wins. Yes? Little victories in the beginning. It has really been quite extraordinary from where I started to where I stand now. The things I learned about self and about this world that we all call home and our place in it. All the time spent fighting when all I needed to do was embrace self is perhaps one of the most profound aspects of all of this.
I have opened myself to so many things and I am hungry for it, let me tell you. Feeling that connection to life, feeling love, feeling lightness, feeling movement, feeling the air, feeling, feeling, feeling….
I am just throwing my heart open and letting myself love and be loved.
This week I had the experience of seeing myself without the white noise in the background. What I saw was a being of beauty, grace, compassion and love. I was truly humbled by this. All I could do is cry big old happy crocodile tears. That was incredibly cleansing.
And I savoured the moment. Let it wash over me. Let it permeate the grey matter and write itself into my memory.
And in so doing, for the first time in my life I fully understood what it means to love.
Enjoy your day and thank you for stopping by.
PS I have come back to edit this as I sent the link to James to share this with him. I may have misrepresented or expressed James’ guidance quite a bit out of turn with the phrase of ‘support without direction’ in way that was never intended. This has been adjusted to more openly express… I don’t know how to thank him for the assistance he has provided me with. It goes so far beyond direction. When I embarked on this journey with James, it was originally to deal with my intimacy issues, but it has gone so far beyond that. And in truth saying thank you just does not seem adequate. I think this is coming out so very clumsy today. Words cannot express the way I feel. I will leave it at that.