Just feel it…

I was thinking on the drive in this morning how we put our feelings in certain compartments and only show what we think is acceptable at the appropriate time and place.  I know I follow behaviour patterns that have been ingrained in me…and I am trying to break some of those.  I recently acknowledged that I do not like to deal with anger, at all.  I don’t like to show my anger, at all.  It scares me.  It has for the majority of my life.

Even if someone says or does something that is totally inappropriate , I will skirt around the issue and deal with it in ‘my own way’.  Which I recognize has been not dealing with it at all.  So I have accepted that I can in fact express that I am angry and that I can do so in a way that does not resemble losing the top off of a  pressure cooker.

“Thar she blows, matey!  Man, she makes Moby Dick look like a pussy!”

You get the idea…when I was pushed to react, it wasn’t pretty.  So my mantra for a very long time has been ‘avoid confrontation at all costs’.  This concept is new to me and I am still a little wobbly but I know that I can and will step up to the plate and state my case if need be, and that I can do so with a level of expression and rationale that will get my point across.

I can’t just continue to throw myself on the proverbial couch every time an issue comes up that I don’t want to deal with.  I need to learn how to process the emotions that I am feeling as I experience them.

So that is this mornings little bit of INSIGHT FROM THE GREY MATTER. (We could do a reality TV show, yes? Nah, I would rather see it done is a Sci-Fi setting where we could hook up a bunch of brains and then expose them to different stimuli and see how they react.  That might be fun).  Yes, I know…now I am starting to sound a bit creepy, so let’s move on.   🙂

I did have a really good run last night.  We did cadence and I wish I had checked my email more closely because I really worked my legs at the gym in the morning and cadence is a stamina building exercise that works those gams and then some. Finishing up the last portion of the run last night my muscles were super fatigued.  I was feeling it.  I didn’t push too hard at the gym today.  Kept the pace more neutral.  I am prepping for the 10k on Sunday and I want to be in peak condition for it.

After I got my coffee this morning I had a young man ask me for spare change.  He looked to be in very rough shape.  He was tweaking and I stopped and talked with him.  He wanted to get something to eat,  he told me.  The last few days had been rough, he explained.  All the while his body never stopped moving.  I offered to take him back to the coffee shop and buy him a coffee and a muffin.  No, he wanted the cash.  I offered again to buy him coffee and a muffin.  He promised he wouldn’t buy drugs and showed me his arms.  Sadly, he didn’t accept my offer and I cannot give someone cash when I know in my heart that it will be going toward their next fix.  Had he been hungry, he would have gladly accepted my offer, and he may well have been hungry but his addiction was dictating his needs in that moment.

It is sad to see someone so enslaved to the drugs that it dictate how they live their lives.  And it is so prevalent now.  We all make choices.  Some of them change our life dramatically.  Some of them steal our life from us.  I just hope at some point he stops and asks for help and when he does, I pray that help will be available.

Step out into the light of day and let it infuse you.  Embrace it.  Love it.  Let it warm you throughout.  And say a prayer for all the lost sous out there.  I hope they find their way home.

Thanks for stopping by.



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