A Question of Fear


Last evening I was reading and came upon a chapter that focused on universal fears.  While reading through the text, words that were written so eloquently, words that just reached off the page and touched my soul, I caught a glimpse of myself in those pages.  I recognized my own fears and accepted that I see them mirrored in so much around me.

For this past year I have been dealing with these things head on.  The funny thing about when I decided to deal with said issues, I really had no idea what to look for or where to start.  So I took the old ‘dive in and hope I don’t drown’ approach.  And here I am a year later feeling a lightness of being that is just fabulous.  The understanding that I have gained has been quite remarkable.  How I see myself has steadily been shifting.  There is this exquisite sense of connection to all things that just keeps growing and while I still have bouts of fear that whisper in my ear from time to time, I am not listening for very long.

There is this awakening that has taken place.  This acceptance of self and I must say, it has just been extraordinary.  One of the questions that the book posed to ask ourselves was “What do I see in this person that I have lost, or given away, or have had taken away?”  That question had an immediate impact on me.  I felt the tears well up in my eyes.  Felt the throat tighten and constrict.

I have always looked for approval from people and never feel that I am ‘good enough’. I have been working to break this and other cycles over this past year.  I finally am beginning to understand why I am drawn to certain individuals.   I am finally starting to understand what they mirror and what I mirror.

For a very long time I think I really mirrored all my fears.  I have been  working on my vulnerability issues as of late, that is now what I want to show to this world.  I want to show that side of self that I always thought was too ‘weak’  or too ‘soft’ or too ‘vulnerable’ to withstand the rigors and stresses of daily life.

It is the side of self that is rather whimsical and naive at times.  It is the side of self that loves and delights in the simplest of things like getting caught in the rain.  It is the playful self, the curious self.

I have spoken about losing the mask that I wear out of the house everyday and last night I realized for the first time that the mask I have been wearing was not this tough exterior that I had thought I had manifested, not this indelible thick skin; it was quite simple a mask of fear that I have slipped on everyday of my life for the duration of my life.

This morning I left the mask behind.

If you are interested in reading the book I just finished up last night it is “The Divine Matrix” by Gregg Braden.

It is a fabulous read.

Enjoy your day everyone!

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