Beige on beige


One of those somewhat subdued kind of mornings for me.  I pulled a muscle in my neck yesterday so I passed on the gym this morning as I don’t want to aggravate it and possibly make it worse.  I should be okay to run tomorrow though.

I am wearing precisely how I feel today.  Beige on beige.  Feeling very bland, very one dimensional.  Sometimes I guess I feel that I try so hard, perhaps I try to force the changes I want to make with self.  I don’t know.  Today is just a very reflective day.  We can’t feel on top of the world everyday I suppose.

I guess when you work at something so hard and you just want to be seen and accepted but everyone just keeps walking past you.  Kind of like picking sides for basketball.  You jump up and down waving your hands in the air wanting to scream ‘Pick me’.  Even though you have been practicing and improved your game, you are still looked over.

This isn’t a pity thing, believe me.  It is more of gentle reminder that I really shouldn’t try so hard.  I know where the mentality comes from  That is how I grew up.  Always looking for approval from everyone.  I don’t have to do that, yet I find myself at times falling back into that pattern.

We all have our little idiosyncrasies that we want to change.  I am trying to rewire this particular trait and just pull it back.  No need to jump around excitedly in someones face babbling about something that may only have meaning to me.

I did that with what I like to refer to as my ‘beach moment’.  Last  summer I went for a walk down at English Bay and I had stopped and was looking out at the water.  My feet had sunk into the sand up past my ankles.  I had this rush of energy, like nothing I have felt before, course through me.  In that moment I felt so connected to everything…it was wild!  I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture to try and ‘capture’ the moment.

For about 3-4 months after this occurred I would tell people about it and I would pull out my cell phone and show them the picture and be totally animated in the telling while they looked at a picture of the water.  To them it was just a picture of the water.  Nothing more.  For me it was an experience.  And I began in that moment to understand this matrix, this space-time continuum, this web that binds us.  This energy that is now being acknowledged by the scientific community.  This life force.  It was that moment of awareness, of finally starting to ‘get it.’

There is nothing wrong with being passionate and wanting to share with people, however, not everyone wants to share in this and they don’t necessarily want me shoving a photo in their face babbling excitedly about the fifth element and so on.

This is just a brief example of what I need to reign in on.  Perhaps if I have a more subtle approach and if they ask then I can share.

All I can do is try to be more mindful of this in the future.

I hope you all have a great day.  Thanks for stopping by.

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One thought on “Beige on beige

  1. I do hope your neck feels better, Nancy. Don’t push yourself too hard, yeah? Drop me an email if you get the chance and we can meet up for coffe, talk more publishing stuff.

    Like

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