Rabbit Holes…


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Have you ever felt that you’re getting back on track with everything in your life when another rabbit hole appears in the road and swallows you?

It happens.

I enjoyed the holidays.  I kept it very low key this year.  Quiet and reflective celebrations were the order of the day.  I did have a few days, however, where I just felt sad.  I just let myself feel it regardless of where those emotions were emerging from.  They could well just be echoes from the past moving through me.

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Time to get back to the grind and get back to life and living.

Pain still exists from the car accident that occurred close to a year ago.  I need to take my health back .  All of it.

I have concerns and more than anything these days I feel tired.  And I’m not going to hide behind the mantle of my age as the notion of this is poppycock!

Age has nothing to do with how I feel.

I’m mulling the previous year’s trials and tribulations over in my head. Oh, there are definitely a few things that I would have responded to differently but as with everything in this life it’s about moving forward not back.

There are times when how I feel scares me.  I’ll have moments of anger, moments of hurt, moments of painful conflict.  There are certain things I don’t like to feel.  I do understand why as well.

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When I was younger I had no handle on my emotional self.  Indeed, I was something of a loose canon that seemed to self-combust on far too regular basis.  It’s those extremes that haunt me and perhaps create the knee-jerk reaction I sometimes experience at an overwhelming emotion.  Hence, I try to distance myself and push it away.

I am trying now to get back to optimum health.  This is something that, in all honesty, I’ve never truly experienced.  Optimum health to me is experiencing wellness on every level of being physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually connected.

Balance.  Being present, aware…

I’ll feel a bit of fear creeping in and try harder still.

Ultimately that freakin’ rabbit hole appears and I find my balance in jeopardy and rather precarious.

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Still I keep taking more on and the expectations I hold myself to are perhaps a little bit too much at times.  I stare across the landscape of my being and see a tapestry of repairs and quick fixes as ideas and thoughts assail me from every angle.

“Don’t eat white food.”

“Don’t eat carbs after 12 noon.”

“Walk 10,000 steps daily!”

“Just move!”

“Live in the moment…now!”

“Don’t panic!”

“That person I saw in the blue car had an interesting face.”

“Put everything out to the universe…surrender.”

“Just breathe!”

“Good energy…good energy…good energy…”

“Positive energy will come back in abundance.”

“Just love…love dammit…Just Love!”

“Will this be returned?”

“Don’t think like this! Be positive!”

“Why do I feel like crying?”

“I should be happy, shouldn’t I?”

All of these things ran through my head in quick successeion as I took my Christmas Tree down, boxed up everything and cleaned.

Odd what moves through my mind at any given moment.

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I wanted to get the house ship shape so to speak and stopped when the pain in my back was unbearable.

Still I did manage to get quite a bit done.  I pushed forward focusing on some other things that required my attention.

It was back to work and the week has been a productive one.

And I sitting here feeling disenchanted, heavy, obtuse, irrelevant and foolish?

Why?

Placing my fingers against my temples I gently rub my forehead.  “Please, just go away.  I don’t want to feel these things.”

I just want to live and do so fully.

I checked out Banyen Books events page.  They have some interesting spiritual talks coming up.  Perhaps I need to start there.

Often we think that if we start with physical self the rest will follow.  Perhaps I’ll start with repairing my spiritual centre and work on the physical aspect at the same time.

Onward.  Namaste.  Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Year…


Another year is coming to a close.  It has been one that has challenged on every turn.  I’ve also had to really look deep inside myself to understand why I behave in the manner that I do at times.  I’ve got adjust these behaviours in a big way as they do not serve me, nor anyone for matter.

They are the leftover echoes from a lifetime ago.

First and foremost is my health. I’ve take a few hits over the past few years.  Time to dust myself off and get on with living.

Getting back into shape is going to be painful.  But you know, it’s worth it!  Yesterday my daughter and I headed up to Grouse Mountain here in Vancouver, BC.

We are not skiers, however, there are lots of activities.  We hiked about for several hours.  Stood in many a long lineup, and dined before coming back down at day’s end.

I’ve been making it a point to be active every day this week.  Yesterday  left me in pain but you know what?  It was worth it.  I can’t stay on the sidelines any longer. I’ve got to fight through and take back my health.

And man, are we ever blessed here in Vancouver.  This is Vancouver’s backyard.  I hope you can come and play with us some time.  Enjoy!

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Early morning December 30, 2015 – Vancouver is in the backdrop.

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Boats in the harbour.

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On the other side, valley’s and mountains for as far as the eye can see!

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The Lions in winter…these are feature of Vancouver that are highly recognizable.

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Just wow!

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Skating!

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Prancer taking some downtime!

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A Blue Jay looking for a nibble!

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The majesty of the mountains that surround us

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One of the ski hills

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And as we prepare our decent the clouds appear like waves below

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Thanks for a beautiful day!

To everyone who has followed my blog, I’d like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!  May 2016 be filled with wonder and blessings of every kind.

Peace!

The Man Who Talks to God


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The view from my sofa

I’ve had a lovely holiday season thus far.  I’ve visited with family and friends.  I’ve attended a few gatherings that remind me how fortunate I am.

This has been a tough year.  Yet for all the challenges I’ve had they’ve provided insight into some of the areas I need to focus on.  One of them is most definitely my health and well being.  I’ve got to take back the level of health I was enjoying just a couple of years ago.

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The gal pals from school.

I woke early yesterday.  I didn’t have any coffee which is unusual for me.  I’d meant to pick it up the day before.  These days, however, if I curl up the sofa with my Canucks  blanket tucked about my person then chances of stepping out into the cold again are slim to none.

I bargained with myself that I’d do it first thing in the morning.

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Walking down through the 4th Street overpass yesterday morning shortly after 7:00 AM.

At 7:00 AM I slipped from bed and dressed to go for a walk.  Two hours later I arrived back home.  I’d walked the length of the Quay from the 4th Street Overpass down to the end of New West Waterfront Esplanade.  I’d stopped at Angelina’s for breakfast then I traipsed over the Quayside Drive overpass and stopped at Safeway to pick up my coffee.  Then toddled back home.

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Walking along the Westminster Pier Park walkway watch the sun come up 

I was in pain, though it was moderate.  I know for the next little while any activity I do will leave me in pain, but you know, I just gotta do it.  The alternative is worse.

I then went and had my hair trimmed up and decided to head to downtown Vancouver to use some of the gift cards I received for Christmas.

This is the first shopping trip I’ve made to downtown Vancouver this year which is really odd for me.  My daughter and I decided to meet up and have dinner later in the afternoon as well.

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Out by where I’m now working in Steveston 

I arrived downtown around 1:30 PM.  It has been so beautiful out and the mountains were just glorious!  I decided to have a gander at the new kid on the block being Nordstroms.  It actually looks very much like the one in Seattle.  It is bright, open and accommodating.  It is also outside of my price range.

Still they’ve made every attempt to make customers feel very comfortable regardless of their income.  On the second level is a bar where I watched three men taking photos of their Ceasars! I suppose there is a novelty to this idea of having a drink while you’re out shopping right in the store.

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Canada Place a couple of weeks ago at the Charity Breakfast

I smiled then wondered how much they’d given their wives to spend.  They may well need another drink.

Nordstoms is competing with Holt Renfrew and The Bay in the downtown core.  I’m sure they’ll do well.

I checked out Old Navy then it was on to MAC.  I stopped in at various stores along the way.  I’m on the hunt for some good work shoes for the docks out in Steveston.  Uggs had a nice pair that was just a little too expensive at this time coming in at $255.

I’ll head over to the outlet stores in Queensborough to see if I can find a deal.

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The mountains covered in snow yesterday at 4:30 PM

I made my way down Robson to Burrard then headed toward Mahoney & Sons on the water where I would be meeting my daughter.  I definitely got my 10,000 steps in and I was feeling it.  I was now in need of a bathroom.  I went into the Royal Centre Mall and could not find a public washroom at all.  The Hyatt Regency Lobby claimed to have facilities but I could not find them.  I was running early so I stopped at the Elephant and Castle deciding to use their facilities, have a pint and rest for a bit.

Pulling out my notebook I began to jot down a few thoughts.  A man sitting a few seats over asked me what I was writing about.  He also told me I had bronchitis when I coughed. I smiled and told that no, I didn’t have this affliction.

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Steveston a couple of weeks ago in the morning

He continued to ask me questions periodically to which I would reply.  A text message made it clear I’d be here a little longer so decided to give up the writing quest and chat with the fellow beside me.  I’ve always enjoyed conversing with people.  I’m seldom intimidated and if the conversation gets uncomfortable, then I politely excuse myself.

He asked me what I thought God was.  Quite the ice breakers.

I told him that to me God was an entity of pure energy that resided within all of us and a.k.a. love.  He spoke of the big bang theory, the collision of light and dark matter.  He spoke of time and our human failings.  It was an interesting conversation.  He told me God speaks through him and that life is about love and compassion.  He went on to tell me that he was clairvoyant as well.

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At the Vancouver Trade & Convention Centre yesterday

Smiling he told me I’m an old soul.  I’ve been told this in the past as well.  He wanted to pay for my drink and buy me another.  I politely declined.  It really wasn’t necessary.  He told me I’d write about him.  I grinned and said yes, I most likely would.  He claimed to have money and lot of it and he was having issues with his family.

We did not exchange names.  There was something very familiar about him though and there was a sadness that resonated through him.  He told me I still have some anger issues.  This is true, though I’m aware and working on these aspects of self.

We spoke about dimensions and the need to get out of the 3rd dimension and into the 4th and beyond.  Now, you may be thinking that he was a little out there.  The odd thing is I’ve been researching all of these things for many years now.

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The world contained at the Vancouver Trade & Convention Centre

Some of the posts I’ve written on this blog deal with these topics as well.

It was time to leave.  I think he would have talked well into the night had I remained.  I wished him well then went to freshen up a bit.  As I left the establishment I noted he was no longer there.

Later when I got home certain parts of this conversation came back to me.  He asked me if I could ask God anything what would it be.  After a few minutes of consideraton I decided that I’d ask if I was done with the health issues I’ve experienced.

The answer was interesting.  If I didn’t want them back then I was in the clear and would live a long life.  And oddly this made sense.

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Winter foliage on the Quay in New West yesterday morning

Now it’s about health and wellness.  I’ve got a long road ahead of me.

The other thing that intrigued me was a comment that he made about the anger issues that are still ongoing.  This is negative energy of which I’m aware.  I described it as peeling back layers of an onion.  You think you’ve dealt with everything only to find yet another issue that needs to be addressed.

“Before you go to sleep tonight, count to eight, then think about the relationship between you father and his dad.  There may be some answers there. ” he instructed.

This struck simply because I never spoke about my family at all and this is indeed a relationship I know very little about.

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Santa’s a little hung up on the Quay in New West yesterday

The conversation had been very much about the great beyond and our place in it.  Dark matter will swallow light if you let it and in many ways he is right in that we are in this struggle currently on our planet.

If we give in to fear and anger it will consume us.  Not a good place to be.

And as I walked down to meet my daughter for dinner I thought of how good it was to converse with a stranger about the state of everything.

And there have been several times in my life when those conversations have indeed steered me in a direction I’d not thought of previously.  Sometimes they open the mind just a little more.

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What a lovely way to commemorate those you loved. Located at the Quay in New West

And sometimes it’s just great chatting with someone you don’t know and will likely never cross paths with again.

Peace.

 

 

 

 

The Obits


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There are a few certainties in this life.  We’ll all pay taxes at some point and we may pay a bundle at that.  Then just as surely as we came into this world, we will all pass from it as well.

I believe it’s what we do between the goal posts of life and death that matters.

When my mother passed away she had lived in relative seclusion up in Fort MacMurray, a northern oil town in Alberta.  For the last ten years of her life she had no phone and contact was made through the writing of letters.  This was sporadic at best.

Mom had a lived a hard life.  It had been filled with heartache and abuse which ultimately led to mental illness.  She was just 69 years old when she died.

I’m now 57 years of age so I’m around the age when she packed up from Edmonton, Alberta and headed north.

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I gave Edmonton a try for three years.  I also gave birth to my daughter there.   In the early 1980’s Edmonton didn’t really have a lot to offer and besides, it was too damn cold!  I returned to Vancouver, BC my birthplace and keeper of my heart.

Mom had moved to Edmonton in the late 1970’s after her marriage fell apart.

I won’t get into that kerfuffle as it was complicated.

I went out to Edmonton later to try and reconnect with her…at least that was my initial goal.

I was something of a basket case myself back in the day.

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In any case, after I left Alberta and returned to BC with my child, mom packed up and headed north.  It was a move I could not comprehend at that time and it would take many years after her death for the full realization and comprehension to come to light.  Sadly it was during the preparations for her ‘funeral’ that many things became glaringly apparent.

And one thing I began to consider was my own morality.

“How do you want to be remembered?” I asked myself one day.

It’s an odd question in a way but it also speaks to the footprint you choose to leave behind.

Mom had been raised  Lutheran so we found a church that followed this faith.  I sat with the good Pastor discussing the memorial and he asked me several questions designed to assist him in preparing a personalized eulogy for her.  The questions were the type that I should have known the answers to.  Sadly, many of them I could not answer.

When I left that day it was with the knowledge that I really didn’t know too much about this woman who had given me life.

Photographs from her youth show a vivacious and spirited beauty.  This was beaten out of her before I had reached my 10th birthday.

How is it that I happened on this train of thought?

Friday evening found me Christmas shopping.  I picked up a few goodies to drop off at  BC Childrens Hospital as well picking up gifts for those that I love and adore.

By 7:30 PM I was done and stopped in at Boston Pizza for a nibble and decided to peruse the local paper.  I used to read the paper daily over breakfast.

Life changed a bit and so did I.   I began rising early and going for a run in the morning.  The newspaper subscription was adjusted to weekends only.

Then weekends began to fill up with social events and workshops so I cancelled it altogether.  Indeed, news comes in so many forms these days.

What I used to enjoy with physical newspapers though is the various reporters and their take on current events.  I would look forward to a certain journalist’s angle on a story.

And you know, it seemed back when I read the paper daily,  life was a little slower then.

Now we are bombarded by news and various media throughout the day.  Something happens and within ten minutes its being reported online.

Back when I did read the paper all those years ago on a daily basis I had gotten into the habit of reading the obituary columns as well.  It’s an odd thing that many of us do.

On Friday evening as I finished my meal I found myself once again glancing through the Obits.  They’ve changed over the years as well.  A photo almost always accompanies the write up and now you can pretty much figure out who has a lot of money to spend and who doesn’t. Some of the obits take up a 1/4 page.  That is expensive, I have no doubt.

And as I considered this I was struck by the sad realization the even in death we equate someone’s monetary stature with the size of the obituary notice.

A strange sensation then rushed over me.  The conversation with the pastor back in 1998, taking mom’s ashes up to a local bar with my sister for ‘one last beer’, the cost of the obituary that was quoted and realizing that the initial message was too expensive  at that time.  And all the unanswered questions of who she really was.

I gazed out the window and watched the traffic move by.  I thought about what I’d want people to say about me and how that would look in print.  I wouldn’t want a lengthy column espousing how fabulous and great I was.  I’m not extraordinary though I’ve met people and have experienced things that have remind me of how fortunate I have been.

I’m just a woman who discovered she had a choice and am exercising this in the most  positive manner I know and that is through love and forgiveness.

I’m a pretty simple gal so I would want to keep simple and this is what I came up with:

Nancy Pilling

February 22, 1958 to_______________________________

She loved and was loved.

Continue her legacy and make it your own.  Just love.

Says it all.

Peace.

MILESTONES AND MILES TO GO!


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600TH POST!!!!!

I am celebrating today.  Celebrating a few things actually but for the most part I am celebrating life and the fact that I’m still here!

This is my 600th Post!

Woo Hoo!

I thought of developing an in depth piece to mark this moment.  Instead I’ve decided to just keep it simple.

December 6th, 2015 marks the 4th year of this blog.

It also marks 4 years since I had the heart procedure done.

And…drum roll please!

It has now been 2 years since Cancer treatment ended.

I stopped radiation treatment on December 6, 2013.  My body had had enough!

Over the last four years I’ve written and published my first book ‘WITH THIS IN MIND’.
I’ve run a ½ Marathon, been part of Rick Hansen’s 25th Anniversary Relay celebration and been asked to make a difference in this world.

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I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and moved toward public speaking with Toastmasters and the Royal City Literary Arts Society.

And I’ve met some absolutely extraordinary people that I now happily call friends.

There are also those who’ve been in my life for such a long time now.  To them I say “I could not have gotten to this point in my life without your love and support.  Thank you.”

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I am blessed.

 

These last four years have not been easy.  They have been remarkably rewarding, however, in oh so many ways.

And so I am moving forward, to where only time will tell.

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To everyone who has followed me on my blog, I thank you.

Cheers and Peace Out!

 

 

 

A Look Back


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I’ve been puttering about the house, trying to get a few much overdue projects taken care of.

I curled up on my sofa last evening with a glass of red and checked my email.  I then checked my blog.

I’ve not been as engaged with my writing lately as I would like.   Not too sure as to why.  All I can say is this has been a year with many challenges.

I began to read some old posts I’d written.  Perhaps they would inspire me as I’ve been in a bit of slump with pretty much everything it seems.

I read about running on Friday morning’s and my heart ached.  I want to get out there once again.  Then I read some excerpts from when I was training for the BMO 1/2 Marathon.

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The initial goal was mapped out and then came the health issues.  A fear had begun to creep in around that time and it is all chronicled.  From the initial feeling that something was wrong, through the tests, through the triumph of the race followed very swiftly by the devastation in learning the reality of my condition.

“You’ve got Cancer”.

At times it is difficult to read some of the things I’ve written on here.  There are many drafts that I’ve never published and I won’t.  They’ll be removed now. These were the proposed posts that really captured my fear.  Slide5

The fear that was never spoken aloud or acknowledged during treatment.

It was the fear of having my life cut short by this thing. What happens to you psychologically can be just as devastating as the illness itself.

This blog has been many things and I am preparing a post to celebrate a very important milestone.

Lately though, I’ve been looking back at just how far I’ve come over the last five years or so and I realize too that I’ve only got this moment.

Best that I use it fully, completely.

 

 

A Christmas Wish…


 

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I rose early.

I’ve not done this too much over the last month since I’ve been unemployed, however, I wanted to attend the Pan Pacific’s 28th Annual Christmas Wish Breakfast.

So with a book of poetry (local) and a movie gift card in hand, I stepped out into the dark of morning at 6:20 AM.

A fat full moon hung in luminous beauty on a velvety black sky as rows of white and red headlights blinked in unison in the pre-dawn along the highway.

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I wanted to wish the gang at Rock 101 all the best as well.  I really appreciate listening to them each morning.  They elevate me.  They are so warm and open.

And wow!  It has been a while since I’ve watched the sunrise from downtown Vancouver!  I watched as the Lions now sprinkled with snow turned a beautiful shade of pink just prior to the sun flooding the sky.

The line-up at the Pan Pacific was long and that’s cool.  All of us in attendance were there to give back to those less fortunate.  May everyone have a blessed time over the holidays.

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I will be making my pilgrimage to BC Childrens’ Hospital again this year.  Notification will go up today.

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And it was such a pleasure to meet Willy and Kim.  They’ve been a part of my mornings for a very long time along with Alyece who I met earlier this year.

It’s been a tough one.

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Now I’m turning my focus toward all the good in my life.  all the little things that make my life a little happier, a little more bearable in times such as these, a little more joyful.

And yes, the gang at Rock 101 does contribute to this factor along with my friends, and bearing witness to beautiful sunrise.  It also helps to know that life will always have its ups and downs.  Your character can well be measured by how you manage the pitfalls in your life.

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For me, I keep this heart of mine full to bursting with all the love that it has been afforded.  Indeed, I’m truly blessed.

I’ve a daughter who in many ways saved this soul of mine.  I turned from a path of certain self-destruction to one of redemption and accountability.

And my god, the power of forgiveness!

To let go of the grievances that have plagued me, to rise above the hurt and pain, and release the the fear.

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Priceless.

To grow and expand and realize int really isn’t about me at all.

It is about my connection to everyone and everything that I share this planet with.

Its about respect, about love, peace and the human experience.

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I am humbled.  This moves me in ways you cannot imagine.

I have fought through the challenges of presenting my person and move toward wanting to make a positive impact and truly make a difference in some form.

I’ll keep trying.  Rick Hansen asked this of all us back in 2012 that were invited to run with him.  I take this request to heart.

I just finished a delightful salad at The Reach and I’m feeling incredibly emotional.  It’s a good thing though.   A release of sorts.

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Sometimes reminding myself that I’m part of this collective we call humanity is overwhelming.

I want to embrace and discard all the pain and suffering in this world as unreasonable as that sounds.  I want to ensure that everything will be okay.

The fact that I’m here, alive and pushing toward life, demanding that its essence fill me…

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Knowing that I am loved.

Is this not the greatest gift?

So I’ll keep on, keepin’ on.

Expansion will come the more I immerse myself with this world that surrounds me.  In manner that is positive with no expectations.

I can only offer…does not mean what I give will be accepted.

And never is there any remorse or ill will that what I offer has been rejected.

Know it will always be there.  What has been offered will never be removed.

That is the truth of where our humanity lays.